Boundless online dating
Uploading my photos I felt, as I have sometimes felt before, that I was both absent from my own life and desperately in need of someone to observe or document it.
Ironic, then, that my most constant feeling was one of embarrassment, suggesting that as well as feeling invisible I also felt observed.
I’d never had a group of female friends, had someone take a photo of a man putting his arm around me and had certainly never been up Mount Everest or on a jet ski with a camera crew in tow.
I felt I should have known; asked myself over and over again how I could have misread the situation so badly.
As the years passed I experienced deepening confusion: what had gone wrong, why was I so unattractive, what was wrong with me?
The fact was, I wanted to show my body, just not my face. In the end though, I kept my photos highly respectable, even professional, in tone.
Remembering how I had agonised over the wording of my personal statement on that other website years before and how badly things had gone then – knowing that whatever I wrote was essentially futile (unless I mentioned my collection of human heads) because whatever I did or didn’t say became irrelevant as soon as I was more than a few seconds (or as soon as I saw someone, in some cases) in someone’s company – I didn’t waste time.